When my mom first died, I had a talk with my dad. “Daddy, I know you don’t
want to get up, but you have to.”
The bed was wet. He had
soaked through his Depends, the sheets, the mattress protector and the mattress
itself. The stench was horrible. A yellow ring stained the white and blue
mattress where my mother and he once laid.
“I know it is
hard, but we can’t pee in the bed any more. No matter how much we want to, we just
can’t
do it. We have to get up,” I told
him.
For the past few months I have been telling myself that every
morning. “Andre, you cannot pee the couch. You have to get up. Even
though you don’t want to, you have to do it.”
Many of you know that I struggle with depression. What you may
not know is how bad that struggle has been for me the past few months. I have
been waking up every morning with tears in my eyes. Not tears of joy, but tears
of “why”.
Why did I wake up this morning? Do I really have to fight through another day?
Really, God?
I have never contemplated
suicide, but to not be alive has crossed my mind. When I say that I’m
depressed, people do not understand. I am not just sad, upset or down. They
tell me how blessed I am and how I should be grateful for what I have. I’m
not ungrateful. I’m depressed. I'm run down. I'm tired. I'm worn
out. I'm exhausted.
I have people in and out of my house every day…strangers. They help to take
care of my dad. They are bus drivers, CNAs, home health managers, etc. They are
people who I do not know. They are there when I am not. They are there when I
am. Some are nice and some are rude. It drives me insane. There are days that I
need to go home and unwind because I am an introvert. When I get there, there
are people there. My home is no longer my sanctuary. I dread going there.
But what am I to do? I promised my mom I would take care of my
family. Am I? How did I get here?
The Snowball
It started with a medication change. My psychiatrist told me to
take a medication 3 times a day instead of once a day. Knowing how I am, I
asked him if I could just be switched to another medication because I wasn't
going to take medication at work in the middle of the day. He didn't want to
change. "Let's just try this."
I'm an advocate for everyone. In the case of Andre Douglas, I let
the ball drop. I took the medication for a few days as prescribed but then,
life got in the way. I missed a few doses here and there. Things started
snowballing and before I knew it, I was in a major depression. Bills weren't
getting paid on time. My clothes were not being washed and when they were, they
were not being folded. I began crying all the time. I wanted to sleep all the
time, but couldn’t sleep. I had difficulty concentrating and wanted to
withdraw from the world more than usual. But no one knew it. I had my masked screwed in
place. It was business as usual. I was released from one job and started a new
one. Learning new skills at the new job. People are impressed with how quickly
I'm catching on (difficulty concentrating). They're going to send me for more
training in NC (durn it! I'm exhausted but I gotta keep this up!)
My posts on FaceBook are still funny. I'm still keeping up with
the orders of Lestina Nicole Designs, LLC. (Just not creating anything new).
Still booking Arbonne spa parties (even though I hate bothering people and
don't wanna look crazy). I'm still maintaining. All my plates are spinning and
I'm keeping my audience entertained.
My counselor made me go back to the psychiatrist and get my meds
fixed. This time, I wasn't going to come out with some crazy prescription. I
had to fight, but I got a once a day medication. The med that I had been on was
one that is hard to discontinue. That is one reason that I had been on it for
years. How was this doc going to taper me off?
"Just stop it,” he said.
Do what?!
This doctor is a resident. Although I am a NP, I have more
experience and knowledge than he does. He has actually asked me questions about
my plan of care before presenting to his supervising doctor. I told him to go
get the real doctor! The real doc came in. That fool said the same thing.
"You should be fine stopping the Effexor and starting this one.”
I knew better. However, I was at their mercy for this new script
that I needed. So I just stopped it.
The Withdrawal
Have you ever felt a bolt of lightning go through your body while
having nausea, diarrhea, dizziness and your menstrual cycle?! That is sort of
what withdrawing from this medication felt like...times 10. Every 10 minutes it
was like I had put my finger in an electrical socket. A surge would go through
my body and finish with my lips tingling. The entire time that I was going
through withdrawal I was still working and going on with life as usual. I could
barely stand up straight and people were around me asking me questions. I tried
not to snap at anyone. I thank God for Kristen and Aunt Gloria. They would call
and text throughout the day to make sure I was ok and that the people around me
were ok. I think they were really checking to make sure I had not been put
away!
These symptoms went on for about a week. I felt like crushing up
one of the pills and snorting it. It was that bad. I've worked in rehab, I know
what they look like in treatment. I was trying not to look like that. Tylenol
was not helping the pounding headache. I was sipping on ginger ale without
relief. I just had to make it through until the medication was out of my system
and the new one kicked in. By the end of the week I was finished withdrawing.
So now I'm on a new medication and I feel like I am slowly coming
out of a deep sleep. I was sitting in the middle of a mountain of clean clothes
in the basement the other day and just started crying. This time the cry was different. It was a
realization of waking up. How did things get this far out of hand? What can I
do to prevent this from happening again? God, I surrender and I am helpless. I
am weak and confused!
In retrospect, I see where some of the problems lie. I've taken
on too much. I'm doing too much for my dad and do not have the proper support
from his agencies. Things have to change.
I can't please everybody all the time. I have to advocate for Andre.
So my goals for the New
Year include the following.
1. Figure
out what to do long term for my dad
a.
I can't keep having people in my house and be
healthy. My dad has lived a good, rich life. I cannot allow him to live mine.
2.
Fix my foundation
a.
After my mom's death, the rape, and just a bunch
of events I got to figure things out. My God is a healer, but my mom died. My
mom was like my BFF as I got older. I don't have many friends and now she's
gone. Why did God do that? I just have a
lot of healing to do.
3.
Travel!!!
a.
I realized that I have never been in a vacation!
A trip for no reason...no conventions, conferences, nothing. Never done it.
Gonna do it!
4.
Run a 5k
a.
I walked the Drumstick Dash in 2014. I want to
run at least 1 5K in 2015. I am going to start training in February by joining
a running program at Fleet Feet.
5.
Mission Trip/Volunteer
a.
I want to go to India. Haven’t
been anywhere since Haiti.
6.
Say “NO” more often and not feel guilty about
it.
a.
Stop over committing myself.
7.
Have more FUN!!!!
a.
I’m going on a date…or
two…or
more!
So earlier when I said I promised my mom I would take care of our
family. I think that I thought that the best way to do that was by keeping us
all under one roof. She wanted me to live. I know that because she told me
that. Her biggest wish for me was to be healthy. The way that I am right now is
not healthy. The best way to take care of my family is to take care of myself.
I have to be in a good place so that I can make good decisions. Self-care is how I'm choosing to honor my
mom this upcoming year. She'd want that for me.
