We cannot pee the bed anymore...on purpose.

When my mom first died, I had a talk with my dad. “Daddy, I know you don’t want to get up, but you have to.”

 The bed was wet. He had soaked through his Depends, the sheets, the mattress protector and the mattress itself. The stench was horrible. A yellow ring stained the white and blue mattress where my mother and he once laid.

“I know it is hard, but we can’t pee in the bed any more. No matter how much we want to, we just can’t do it. We have to get up,” I told him.

For the past few months I have been telling myself that every morning. “Andre, you cannot pee the couch. You have to get up. Even though you don’t want to, you have to do it.”

Many of you know that I struggle with depression. What you may not know is how bad that struggle has been for me the past few months. I have been waking up every morning with tears in my eyes. Not tears of joy, but tears of “why”. Why did I wake up this morning? Do I really have to fight through another day? Really, God?

 I have never contemplated suicide, but to not be alive has crossed my mind. When I say that I’m depressed, people do not understand. I am not just sad, upset or down. They tell me how blessed I am and how I should be grateful for what I have. I’m not ungrateful. I’m depressed. I'm run down. I'm tired. I'm worn out. I'm exhausted.

I have people in and out of my house every day…strangers. They help to take care of my dad. They are bus drivers, CNAs, home health managers, etc. They are people who I do not know. They are there when I am not. They are there when I am. Some are nice and some are rude. It drives me insane. There are days that I need to go home and unwind because I am an introvert. When I get there, there are people there. My home is no longer my sanctuary. I dread going there.

But what am I to do? I promised my mom I would take care of my family.  Am I? How did I get here?

 The Snowball

It started with a medication change. My psychiatrist told me to take a medication 3 times a day instead of once a day. Knowing how I am, I asked him if I could just be switched to another medication because I wasn't going to take medication at work in the middle of the day. He didn't want to change. "Let's just try this."

I'm an advocate for everyone. In the case of Andre Douglas, I let the ball drop. I took the medication for a few days as prescribed but then, life got in the way. I missed a few doses here and there. Things started snowballing and before I knew it, I was in a major depression. Bills weren't getting paid on time. My clothes were not being washed and when they were, they were not being folded. I began crying all the time. I wanted to sleep all the time, but couldn’t sleep. I had difficulty concentrating and wanted to withdraw from the world more than usual.  But no one knew it. I had my masked screwed in place. It was business as usual. I was released from one job and started a new one. Learning new skills at the new job. People are impressed with how quickly I'm catching on (difficulty concentrating). They're going to send me for more training in NC (durn it! I'm exhausted but I gotta keep this up!)

My posts on FaceBook are still funny. I'm still keeping up with the orders of Lestina Nicole Designs, LLC. (Just not creating anything new). Still booking Arbonne spa parties (even though I hate bothering people and don't wanna look crazy). I'm still maintaining. All my plates are spinning and I'm keeping my audience entertained.

My counselor made me go back to the psychiatrist and get my meds fixed. This time, I wasn't going to come out with some crazy prescription. I had to fight, but I got a once a day medication. The med that I had been on was one that is hard to discontinue. That is one reason that I had been on it for years. How was this doc going to taper me off?  "Just stop it,” he said.

Do what?!

This doctor is a resident. Although I am a NP, I have more experience and knowledge than he does. He has actually asked me questions about my plan of care before presenting to his supervising doctor. I told him to go get the real doctor! The real doc came in. That fool said the same thing. "You should be fine stopping the Effexor and starting this one.”

I knew better. However, I was at their mercy for this new script that I needed. So I just stopped it.

The Withdrawal

Have you ever felt a bolt of lightning go through your body while having nausea, diarrhea, dizziness and your menstrual cycle?! That is sort of what withdrawing from this medication felt like...times 10. Every 10 minutes it was like I had put my finger in an electrical socket. A surge would go through my body and finish with my lips tingling. The entire time that I was going through withdrawal I was still working and going on with life as usual. I could barely stand up straight and people were around me asking me questions. I tried not to snap at anyone. I thank God for Kristen and Aunt Gloria. They would call and text throughout the day to make sure I was ok and that the people around me were ok. I think they were really checking to make sure I had not been put away!

These symptoms went on for about a week. I felt like crushing up one of the pills and snorting it. It was that bad. I've worked in rehab, I know what they look like in treatment. I was trying not to look like that. Tylenol was not helping the pounding headache. I was sipping on ginger ale without relief. I just had to make it through until the medication was out of my system and the new one kicked in. By the end of the week I was finished withdrawing.

The Awakening 

So now I'm on a new medication and I feel like I am slowly coming out of a deep sleep. I was sitting in the middle of a mountain of clean clothes in the basement the other day and just started crying.  This time the cry was different. It was a realization of waking up. How did things get this far out of hand? What can I do to prevent this from happening again? God, I surrender and I am helpless. I am weak and confused!

In retrospect, I see where some of the problems lie. I've taken on too much. I'm doing too much for my dad and do not have the proper support from his agencies. Things have to change.

I can't please everybody all the time. I have to advocate for Andre.

So my goals for the New Year include the following.

1.     Figure out what to do long term for my dad

a.     I can't keep having people in my house and be healthy. My dad has lived a good, rich life. I cannot allow him to live mine.

2.     Fix my foundation

a.     After my mom's death, the rape, and just a bunch of events I got to figure things out. My God is a healer, but my mom died. My mom was like my BFF as I got older. I don't have many friends and now she's gone. Why did God do that?  I just have a lot of healing to do.

3.      Travel!!!

a.     I realized that I have never been in a vacation! A trip for no reason...no conventions, conferences, nothing. Never done it. Gonna do it!

4.     Run a 5k

a.     I walked the Drumstick Dash in 2014. I want to run at least 1 5K in 2015. I am going to start training in February by joining a running program at Fleet Feet.

5.     Mission Trip/Volunteer

a.     I want to go to India. Haven’t been anywhere since Haiti.

6.     Say “NO” more often and not feel guilty about it.

a.     Stop over committing myself.

7.     Have more FUN!!!!

a.     I’m going on a date…or two…or more!

So earlier when I said I promised my mom I would take care of our family. I think that I thought that the best way to do that was by keeping us all under one roof. She wanted me to live. I know that because she told me that. Her biggest wish for me was to be healthy. The way that I am right now is not healthy. The best way to take care of my family is to take care of myself. I have to be in a good place so that I can make good decisions. Self-care is how I'm choosing to honor my mom this upcoming year. She'd want that for me.

Nobody Puts Baby In a Corner

My parents enrolled me in Tri-City Christian School for kindergarten and Cedar View Christian School for first and second grades. While everyone was learning ABCs and 123s, I was learning that PLUS Bible verses, catechism, special prayers and hymns. Ray and Kristen did not go to Christian school, just me. I accepted Christ in my life at age 4 because I knew I was bad and Jesus could help me to be good. That was my overall understanding…well that and I didn’t want to go to HELL.  It was fire insurance. My parents tried to keep me from bad things and to raise me up as a good Christian kid. They couldn’t keep me from EVERYTHING.  They weren’t with me 24/7.

SO...

I remember my first “grown up” movie. I went to my neighbor’s house to watch it. She said she had seen it a million times before and it wasn’t a big deal. Well, she was from the Netherlands and her parents spoke Dutch. They were a little more relaxed than my parents were because I think they sunbathed with out tops on in the back yard…

We got our popcorn and went to her basement. She put in the VHS tape of “Dirty Dancing”.  I fell in LOVE. Dancing, scandal, and romance all in one movie!!! Did I mention I was around 9 years old? There were feelings in my body that I did not even know about! Things that could go on between a man and a woman…

One of my favorite scenes in the movie was when Patrick Swayze came in and got Jennifer Grey from that corner at the table. Y’all know the scene. The famous line came about, “ Nobody puts Baby in a corner. Come on”. Wow! Panty dropper!!! (excuse me).  Patrick Swayze leads her up to the stage and interrupts the show. He always danced the final dance. 

How in the world does this relate to caregiving?

I’ve been putting myself in the corner…the back burner…the closet…in the last possible spot on Earth.

I have not made myself a priority. 

When you are a caregiver, you have to take time out for yourself. You cannot give what you do not have.

At one point I gave up my exercise time every time the nurse couldn’t show up to take care of my dad. I gained weight. I stopped eating healthy. I became busy and did not allow myself to mourn the death of my mother in a manner that I saw fit to do so. I placed myself in a corner…one so deep that I was getting used to being there. It was getting to be a comfortable, familiar place.

What does God say about self-care?

I know I said panty dropper earlier and now I’m quoting the WORD. Y’all know He ain’t through with me yet.

We need to take care of our bodies because it is the temple of God.

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I am not honoring Him when I am not taking care of myself.

Some people think of themselves as being martyrs when they give to everyone and not to themselves. God does not want us to be this way.

After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church– for we are members of his body. 

Ephesians 5:29-30

God Commands us to love our neighbors as ourselves. We have to first love ourselves before we can love others.

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 

Matthew 22:37-39

So guess what? It’s time for me to come out of the corner and start to shine again. I'm taking back my life. 

My dad has lived his. He cannot have mine. He is well taken care of.  I know that my mom wanted me to live a GOOD life. 

Christ died so that I may have life and live it abundantly. 

Diana Ross says it so eloquently in her song with some of the following lyrics.

I'm coming out
I'm coming
I'm coming out

[Chorus]
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

There's a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I want to give
I'm completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it
Oh, I'll make it through

The time has come for me
To break out of the shell
I have to shout
That I'm coming out

I've got to show the world
All that I want to be
And all my abilities
There's so much more to me
Somehow, I have to make them
Just understand
I got it well in hand
And, oh, how I've planned
I'm spreadin' love
There's no need to fear
And I just feel so glad
Every time I hear

Watch out world! Here I come!!!

Free Billy D!

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America… AND WILLIAM

When this was written, never would the writers have imagined a naked 81 year old, Afro-Guyanese man “running” down the hall screaming “I know my constitution” in order to try and escape getting in a shower.

Talk about a change…this is the man who used to take 2 or more showers a day, washed his hands prior to using the bathroom, cut his nails with a razor blade and never allowed his clothes to have a speck of dirt on them. My dad always had a clean handkerchief. He smelled like Old Spice and Clorettes green gum. He had pajamas like Cliff Huxtable, the matching tops and bottoms (not as expensive of course). He wore nice suits, fresh, clean, well pressed shirts, and if he didn’t have on a clerical shirt and collar, he had on a tie.  Now he may shower once a week, shaves when he gets a beard and wipes his nose on his sleeve. He doesn’t wear pants. He puts on a t-shirt that I got him from Wal-Mart and I have to argue with him to change his Depends. I have to beg him to take care of his hygiene. He has lost his sense of pride. But, I have tried my hardest to not to let him know it. I have tried to keep him as independent as possible.

In all of this, he has not lost his sense of humor or his vanity. He looks in the mirror and says, “That’s one swanky fellow.”

 My sister and I guess that means that he looks good! Don’t get me wrong, It was taken some work to get him to change his attire. I mean, this is the man who moved me into college (all 5 years) in a three-piece suit and clerical collar. I had to do something because the dry cleaning bills were outrageous. The medications that he takes make his urine smell awful and the dry cleaners could not get the smell out. I would use Dryell in the dryer every few days to help freshen his clothes, but it wasn’t working either. So, I went to Wal-Mart and picked up some khaki pants and polo shirts.

Then first thing that he said when I showed him the first outfit was, “these clothes are for white people.”

“Daddy, these clothes are not just for white people. You can wear them too”, I told him.

What did we see when we step out to go to the doctor’s office? A white man wearing khaki pants and a polo shirt!!!! Thanks, Jesus!

“See, you got me out here looking like a vagabond.”

Then we go to see the doctor. Who is wearing…you guessed it…KHAKI PANTS and POLO SHIRT!!!

Deductive reasoning at its best: white people wear khaki pants. I’m in khaki pants. You got me looking like a white person.

As time the has passed, he has gotten used to his new clothes and actually has fun picking out what he's going to wear. He has some favorite outfits and hats. We

actually had to tell him to stop wearing a few of them because he was calling them his uniform and wearing them too often.

My dad also gained independence through the use of a rolling walker that he calls his bicycle. It’s red and has a basket. He is very protective of it. He cares about it more than he does about my sister and me. It has to get in the car before we do. We have to check the basket because he hides things in it. He’s a hoarder…

We are trying to keep him as independent as possible for as long as possible. We have in-home nursing since he no longer goes to adult day care. We have snacks in the home. We have moved to be close to him. I am looking into another adult care program.

How do I let keeping him independent not affect my independence?

There are so many days that I come home right after work because I am worried that something may have happened to him and I don’t know if he can use the phone to call for help.

I cannot stay out too late because I feel guilty about spending too much time away from home.

He’s diabetic and if he doesn’t eat, his sugar can go too far down and he can slip into a coma.

What if this is the time that I go away and when I get home, he doesn’t remember who I am?

I’m still a young woman who wants to be married and have children. How can I do that? I am home taking care of my dad. Honestly, this was not my plan. I moved back here to take care of my mom. She was my best friend. She was the one that I loved more than I could even express. Truth be told, me and my dad butted heads. He was the one who beat my butt the most when I was little because of my smart mouth. He was the one who got the most upset when my clumsy hands spilled my drink at dinner or fell while running. He was the most judgmental of me and gave me the most anxiety. The one who terrorized me with his mental illness and the one who I felt was not there for me like a dad should be for a little girl. He was Reverend Douglas. If you are a preacher’s kid, you may understand. Sometimes, they are there for the church, but not there for the home…that kind of thing. The church comes first.

And…He's lived his life. He has done the things that he has wanted to do. He has traveled and preached. That's what he wanted to do in life. Preaching was his passion! He still does it in his sleep. 

He lived my mom's life too. She was a preacher's wife. She did everything for him. Raised the churches' general claims and took care of financial matters, printed off bulletins, sang in the church choir, raised 3 kids, and taught for almost 30 years while being away from her family. I know that was hard for her especially during her illness. There have been many sacrifices made for the sake of his life and ministry.  And no, I am not bitter. I am just realizing my dad has lived a rich and meaningful life. I should not feel guilty for living mine. 

Whew! It may "sound" awful to read that. But it's the truth and it's ok to feel that way, caregivers. Don't hold those hurt feelings in. 

The days that he curses me out from head to toe because I am taking care of him, I tell myself that I am doing this to honor my mom because I could pay him back for all of those hurtful years where he was out being Reverend Douglas instead of being my daddy, but where would that get me? It would not bring back my mom. It would not bring me closer to God. It would not solve anything. What I have decided to do is to forgive and love my dad.  I know that he did the best that he could do. Both of my parents did the best they could do.

I’m going to do the best that I can, work on forgiving and rely on God. This thing is hard y'all! I am weak and need strength.  

I need Thee every hour,


Most gracious Lord;


No tender voice like Thine


Can peace afford.

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;


Every hour I need Thee;


Oh, bless me now, my Savior!

I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour

Stay Thou near by;


Temptations lose their power

When Thou art nigh.

I need Thee every hour,


In joy or pain;


Come quickly and abide,


Or life is vain.

I need Thee every hour,


Teach me Thy will;


And Thy rich promises


In me fulfill.

I need Thee every hour,


Most Holy One;


Oh, make me Thine indeed,


Thou blessed Son.

She Get It From Her Mama…and Daddy

Juvenile recorded the song, She Get It From Her Mama circa 2006. In this song, he and another young man are asking questions about a young female. 

Where she get her eyes from? She get it from her mama. 

Where she learn to cook from? She get it from her mama. 

Where she get her class from? She get it from her mama. 

Where she learn how to dress from? She get it from her mama. 

Where she get that walk from? She get it from her mama.

Where she get that talk from? She get it from her mama. 

I wonder why she so crazy…She get it from her mama…

Let's look at what Juvenile has to say. Yes, all of these qualities or traits this young lady "gets from her mama". Some are inherited (nature) and some are acquired (nurture). 

I used to teach science…what do you expect?

Some of these things she could control and some just happened to her by chance. 

As I take care of my dad and look back at my mom, I look at my life and wonder, could this be me one day?

My father was diagnosed with mental illness when I was eight years old. He was placed in an institution and as a family, we kept it a secret and went on with life as usual. Mental illness has genetic inheritance.  When I was younger, I would say that I was not feeling well. I couldn’t explain what I was feeling. I just knew something was wrong. I went to various doctors and they could not find anything wrong. What was going on was more mental than anything else. This was the beginning of my struggle with mental illness…my anxiety and depression. I did not get professionally diagnosed until I went to college.

My mother had ovarian cancer. This is also hereditary. The risk factors for this type of cancer include the following.

·      Started menstruating at an early age (before 12) CHECK

·      Has not given birth to any children. CHECK

·      Had her first child after age 30. ummm see the above bullet

·      Has never taken oral contraceptive pills. NOT for long periods of time.

·      First degree relative with ovarian cancer. CHECK

·      Obese DOUBLE CHECK

In the words of Florida Evans from the television show Good Times “Damn, Damn, Damn!”

I’ve got things coming at me from both sides. Don’t get me started on diabetes, high cholesterol and high blood pressure!

Ovarian and breast cancer risks can be tested through BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 blood tests. In the past 2 weeks, a blood test has been release to check for genetic risk for Alzheimer’s dementia.

But here’s the thing: If I get tested, what would I do with the results?

Do I do the extreme like Angelina Jolie, who has a million kids,  and remove my breasts and have a hysterectomy? Do I live my life in fear and think that every stomach cramp is cancer? When I forget what I am talking about (like I did today) or an important date, do I pop one of my dad’s Aricepts?

I cannot live my life in fear, but I cannot live my life haphazardly either. This goes back to a previous post in which I say that it is time to take care of myself. I need to make sure that I get my stress, depression and anxiety under better control. I need to eat right and live a healthier life.

I also have to pray that God will help my mind and my unbelief. I know God and I know medicine/science. It’s hard when you are a Christian living in a scientific society.

I know that God is a healer and I had a ton of people praying for my mom’s healing. In my mind, I thought it meant that she would be healed on earth. I know that God can reach down and restore my dad’s mind.  For some reason, I am sitting here in this position, living here, taking care of my dad and missing my mom. All though I don’t know any of the answers and it gets extremely hard, I just have to trust God. I have to trust God.

Lord I hear of showers of blessings

Thou art scattering full and free

Showers the thirsty souls refreshing

Let some drops now fall on me

Pass me not oh gentle savior

Sinful though my heart may be

I am longing for your favor

Whilst thou art blessing

Oh Lord

Come on and bless me

Even me Lord

Even me

Let some drops

Now fall on me

From Juvenile to Jesus! It's a journey...