Free Billy D!

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America… AND WILLIAM

When this was written, never would the writers have imagined a naked 81 year old, Afro-Guyanese man “running” down the hall screaming “I know my constitution” in order to try and escape getting in a shower.

Talk about a change…this is the man who used to take 2 or more showers a day, washed his hands prior to using the bathroom, cut his nails with a razor blade and never allowed his clothes to have a speck of dirt on them. My dad always had a clean handkerchief. He smelled like Old Spice and Clorettes green gum. He had pajamas like Cliff Huxtable, the matching tops and bottoms (not as expensive of course). He wore nice suits, fresh, clean, well pressed shirts, and if he didn’t have on a clerical shirt and collar, he had on a tie.  Now he may shower once a week, shaves when he gets a beard and wipes his nose on his sleeve. He doesn’t wear pants. He puts on a t-shirt that I got him from Wal-Mart and I have to argue with him to change his Depends. I have to beg him to take care of his hygiene. He has lost his sense of pride. But, I have tried my hardest to not to let him know it. I have tried to keep him as independent as possible.

In all of this, he has not lost his sense of humor or his vanity. He looks in the mirror and says, “That’s one swanky fellow.”

 My sister and I guess that means that he looks good! Don’t get me wrong, It was taken some work to get him to change his attire. I mean, this is the man who moved me into college (all 5 years) in a three-piece suit and clerical collar. I had to do something because the dry cleaning bills were outrageous. The medications that he takes make his urine smell awful and the dry cleaners could not get the smell out. I would use Dryell in the dryer every few days to help freshen his clothes, but it wasn’t working either. So, I went to Wal-Mart and picked up some khaki pants and polo shirts.

Then first thing that he said when I showed him the first outfit was, “these clothes are for white people.”

“Daddy, these clothes are not just for white people. You can wear them too”, I told him.

What did we see when we step out to go to the doctor’s office? A white man wearing khaki pants and a polo shirt!!!! Thanks, Jesus!

“See, you got me out here looking like a vagabond.”

Then we go to see the doctor. Who is wearing…you guessed it…KHAKI PANTS and POLO SHIRT!!!

Deductive reasoning at its best: white people wear khaki pants. I’m in khaki pants. You got me looking like a white person.

As time the has passed, he has gotten used to his new clothes and actually has fun picking out what he's going to wear. He has some favorite outfits and hats. We

actually had to tell him to stop wearing a few of them because he was calling them his uniform and wearing them too often.

My dad also gained independence through the use of a rolling walker that he calls his bicycle. It’s red and has a basket. He is very protective of it. He cares about it more than he does about my sister and me. It has to get in the car before we do. We have to check the basket because he hides things in it. He’s a hoarder…

We are trying to keep him as independent as possible for as long as possible. We have in-home nursing since he no longer goes to adult day care. We have snacks in the home. We have moved to be close to him. I am looking into another adult care program.

How do I let keeping him independent not affect my independence?

There are so many days that I come home right after work because I am worried that something may have happened to him and I don’t know if he can use the phone to call for help.

I cannot stay out too late because I feel guilty about spending too much time away from home.

He’s diabetic and if he doesn’t eat, his sugar can go too far down and he can slip into a coma.

What if this is the time that I go away and when I get home, he doesn’t remember who I am?

I’m still a young woman who wants to be married and have children. How can I do that? I am home taking care of my dad. Honestly, this was not my plan. I moved back here to take care of my mom. She was my best friend. She was the one that I loved more than I could even express. Truth be told, me and my dad butted heads. He was the one who beat my butt the most when I was little because of my smart mouth. He was the one who got the most upset when my clumsy hands spilled my drink at dinner or fell while running. He was the most judgmental of me and gave me the most anxiety. The one who terrorized me with his mental illness and the one who I felt was not there for me like a dad should be for a little girl. He was Reverend Douglas. If you are a preacher’s kid, you may understand. Sometimes, they are there for the church, but not there for the home…that kind of thing. The church comes first.

And…He's lived his life. He has done the things that he has wanted to do. He has traveled and preached. That's what he wanted to do in life. Preaching was his passion! He still does it in his sleep. 

He lived my mom's life too. She was a preacher's wife. She did everything for him. Raised the churches' general claims and took care of financial matters, printed off bulletins, sang in the church choir, raised 3 kids, and taught for almost 30 years while being away from her family. I know that was hard for her especially during her illness. There have been many sacrifices made for the sake of his life and ministry.  And no, I am not bitter. I am just realizing my dad has lived a rich and meaningful life. I should not feel guilty for living mine. 

Whew! It may "sound" awful to read that. But it's the truth and it's ok to feel that way, caregivers. Don't hold those hurt feelings in. 

The days that he curses me out from head to toe because I am taking care of him, I tell myself that I am doing this to honor my mom because I could pay him back for all of those hurtful years where he was out being Reverend Douglas instead of being my daddy, but where would that get me? It would not bring back my mom. It would not bring me closer to God. It would not solve anything. What I have decided to do is to forgive and love my dad.  I know that he did the best that he could do. Both of my parents did the best they could do.

I’m going to do the best that I can, work on forgiving and rely on God. This thing is hard y'all! I am weak and need strength.  

I need Thee every hour,


Most gracious Lord;


No tender voice like Thine


Can peace afford.

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;


Every hour I need Thee;


Oh, bless me now, my Savior!

I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour

Stay Thou near by;


Temptations lose their power

When Thou art nigh.

I need Thee every hour,


In joy or pain;


Come quickly and abide,


Or life is vain.

I need Thee every hour,


Teach me Thy will;


And Thy rich promises


In me fulfill.

I need Thee every hour,


Most Holy One;


Oh, make me Thine indeed,


Thou blessed Son.