The Help

The Help

You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

These words were said by the maid, Aibileen Clark, in the novel/movie, The Help.  She loved the little girl who she looked after and deposited words of love into her daily.

The words that I have for the help that I’ve hired are slightly different.

You is lazy. You is a thief. You is no good. You is a bleepity bleep lie.

Well not for ALL the help, but we have had some B-A-D helpers.

When my father’s health started going down, my mother was doing her best to take care of him. I came home and saw how she was struggling. I decided to try to make her life as easy as possible.  I went to Wal-Mart and bought a shower chair and rail so that my dad could get in and out of the tub easier. I also installed an extendable showerhead. Really, this was beneficial to both of them, especially when my mom’s health went down in the following months.

When my parents decided to move to Virginia, I found a place that had 3 levels of care: independent living, assistant living and nursing home care. My mom told me that she wanted a 3 bedroom apartment with 2 bathrooms. That’s what I found her. It was funny. She did not see the place before she moved into it. I called and set it up, my aunt went to see it and my mom filled out the papers.

Once she got there, I called the home health agency and set up and assessment for my dad…really it was for the both of them.

Danielle came 2 times a week to bathe my dad. She also helped with light house keeping such as washing the dishes and taking out the trash. This really helped my mom out a great deal.

I also made simple changes like buying Tide pods instead of bottles of laundry detergent. I got Clorox packets instead of pouring and measuring bleach. When someone has neuropathy (numbness and tingling) in the hands or feet, simple tasks like pouring laundry detergent can be difficult and frustrating.

Clorox wipes became a mainstay in the house. They are more hygienic than the clothes and rags that were previously being used. (Do your folks soak them in a bowl of bleach in the sink like mine do?)

Danielle remained with us after my mother passed away because she knew my father. I thought that this would help with the transition of her passing away. It didn’t. Danielle became very lazy. Once we moved to our new house, she helped to get my dad ready for adult day care in the mornings and was supposed to receive him when he got of the bus in the afternoons. One day I received a text from her saying that she could not find my dad. She had gotten to the house late and did not know if the bus had dropped him off or not. I called her, but I could not hear anything after the words I cannot find your dad.

I work 45 minutes from home. I got home in about 25 minutes that day. Danielle had left. She did not try to look for him. She did not try to wait until I got home to see if he was there…nothing.

I got home and found him in a corner in his room, scared and covered in urine and feces. He was upset because the person that he trusted to be there in the afternoon for him hadn’t been. The bus driver had been nice enough to let him in the house. I thank God that I had given him his own key.

So that was the end of Danielle…

My father had been going to the Adult Care Center. He went 3 times a week. He was able to eat lunch and a snack while there. He was going on field trips and participating in activities. The staff loved him and he really enjoyed going. He would say , “When I get off the bus, I wave to my fans. It’s like I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury”.  Have I ever mentioned my dad is vain?

One day I got a call from the center saying that he was refusing to be changed. They needed someone to pick him up. I tried talking to him. He refused to come to the phone.  I called my sister and she had a chance to talk to him. He was able to stay the rest of the day after agreeing to be changed. When I spoke to the director, I explained that he mentioned that the aides are not allowing him to take off his shoes when he changes his depends. His shoes touch the inside of the depends and the dirt touches his skin. He is a very clean man and wants to be able to take off his shoes.

He hasn’t been back to the Adult Care Center since then. He just wanted respect and dignity. Now when we mention the center, he says they can go to hell.

So that was the end of the center…

Now my dad stays at home. We have nurse aides that come in for 2 hours a day to help him with his daily activities such as medication administration, breakfast, and bathing. At first, things were going great. Now we have several different aides coming to the house. I can go to a website to see who is coming on different days. He cannot remember who has been here.

Some aides are less involved in his care and others are too involved in the care of our household. We have come home several times to find our dishes, pots, pans and spices rearranged, but our father not bathed or shaved.

It’s not hard to take care of my dad. Yes, he hates getting in the tub. Yes, he hates brushing his teeth. Most elderly and children do! But you have to do it, especially if you are getting paid to do it!!

 My sister created a manual that lays out how to care for him. It has what to do, meal suggestions, order of medications, and emergency contacts. You would be surprised what we come home to sometimes. The other day, someone made a sandwich with waffles…we had bread! Now we are having nurses who are eating our food and taking the snacks! We are paying people to eat food and watch tv instead of clean my dad. It’s very frustrating. A change is coming soon. Believe me. 

The Good Help

There have been some good people and resources that have helped me through all of this. I am grateful to my sister, Kristen, for everything that she helps me with on a daily basis. I could not have done this without her. She lines up all the medications in the daily pillbox, laughs with him and just brings a different attitude to the situation. He still calls her his baby.

My Aunt Gloria played a vital role in helping my mother (her sister) move here and continues to encourage me everyday. She has been over here to help us unpack when we have been overwhelmed with life and helped me navigate through the funeral and burial process. She is now my soror but she will always be my auntie!

Melody Bogan introduced me to her company and the Care Partners. Mine is Linda. She has been there for me to help me understand what I need to do to be a better advocate for my dad. She helps me to understand what questions I need to ask, what I need to look for and sometimes she is just there to listen to me.  She calls companies and gets information for me that I may not have time to obtain and send articles my way to help encourage me. She even asks me what I am doing for me…I forget about me sometimes…remember last week’s blog? Go to www.carepartner.com to find out more about this company and all they have to offer.

I’m also trying to get my father in another program called Kissoto PACE. This program is all inclusive and is geared for senior adults. Doctors, occupational therapy, physical therapy, personal care, specialist and respite care in one location. They also provide transportation to and from home. It is new to our area, but has been around for years in many different cities. 

People always say God will never put on you more than you can bear. I don’t know about that. I think that He gives us a whole lot to deal with and puts people in our lives to help us out and encourage us.

Because if what people say is true, then God must think I’m one bad mutha, *shut your mouth* I’m talking ‘bout Dre.